Twice in a month....wow!

Hi all,

I really wanted to try and do this more often, but life is preventing me. Let me give y'all a little update on the news...

Still unemployed at the moment and hating it. I hate not being able to buy gifts for people and I hate not being able to buy friggin toilet paper. I moved in with my sister, brother in law, and their 2 kids ages almost 13 and 4 girl and boy, respectively. I have almost no privacy or personal space and this is driving me crazy...

Speaking of driving, my sister is medically unable to drive right now and I have become chauffer (sp?) to her appointments and other places. Problem being is that I, myself should not be driving as the doctor thinks that I may have a heart condition that is causing my black-outs. I am trying to go see all the doctors that they want me to, but with no job (and no health insurance) it begins to get a little scary trying to pay for things.

I love my family to death, but I am going crazy because I am more than 4 hours away from my fiance and we are not able to talk a whole lot as he does not have a working phone right now and can't get to a computer a whole lot being that he is working a ton of hours. He is supposed to be able to move back my way around spring time but I need him here now. He moved the week of Thanksgiving. I thought I was never going to find that someone, and now that I have, I've turned into a sappy-lady (even more than before-which I thought to be impossible!)

Mom is still doing ok, health wise (new lump she found turned out to be nothing). This is a rough time of year for all of us as it was a year since my dad passed this week (12-27), my grandpa has been gone 3 years this month(12-13), and my grandmother 3 years next month(1-27). It has also been rough for me personally for a long time as I am not an enjoyer of holidays and stuck in a family that obsesses.

Why don't I enjoy the holidays? Well, part of it has to do with my medical conditions as I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, social-anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, severe depression, insomnia ( I think that is all that it says on my charts right now-sometimes it feels like I am talking forever when I go into my diagnosises. I like giving gifts to people, but I don't like all the other crap associated with Christmas. The other part of why I really don't care for holidays is just that crap keeps on happening to me around or on the days that I just want to skip them all together. For example, my mom told me and my sister about her breast cancer on my birthday this year. Hello! Yes, I want to know what is going on with her, but do you tell your very sensitive daughter on her birthday after just losing her father 3 months prior that you have cancer? I don't think so... but that's me.

I also have almost no backbone when it comes to standing up for myself and when I actually do, then people get all pissy and wonder why I am in such a bad mood. I have this friend who is very demanding of time and just in general and I go along with whatever most of the time, but every now and then, I get a little sick of the crap that she pulls and we get into it. In fact, I think I've posted about her before. Right now we are ok, but she was blaming me for something my sisters friend said to her when I was not even there, participating in the conversation. I had already gone to bed and I guess they got into it over the phone. I heard about it (Oh, did I hear about it!) I have the disease to please and find it hard to say no, but in this case, I was able to tell her straight out that I was not in the room, part of it like she says I was. I also had to have other people who were in the room confirm it because she still did not believe me. I told her to believe what she wants and that if I wasn't the kind of friend that she needed, then to move on. I guess that made her think because she calls me her best friend, but she is not mine...if I were to even try to "rate" my friends. Another blogger (whom I am blanking as far as a name, SORRY!!!) said it great when she said that women friends were just a pain in the butt. I know I am also paraphrazing, but she was so right on.

I think that is about all. One of these days I will get around to posting my poems (have over 600 total), but this might have to wait until things slow down a little and I have a few more minutes to sit in front of the computer and do it when I am also trying to find a job. If any of you are praying people, send one up for me? Things are rough and I am trying to do it without medication(because I can't afford it) and landing myself back in the mental hospital. Please know that if you have things you need prayer for, I'll be praying. No specifics needed, but feel free to share. Take care everyone! I'll try to write again soon.