So much time has passed

Well, it has been a while since I've posted. Not really anything new going on right now. I am house-dog sitting for the weekend and have unlimited internet access! I am also trying to take this opportunity to print up the book. I am more and more closer to finally finishing it and the closer I get to finishing it, the more scared I get. I don't know...kinda rambling. Well, I completely cut off ties with the person that drives me the most crazy and it has been hard...so hard that I am actually contemplating having to call the police because she has gotten far more pyscho than I could have ever imagined. I am also planning a trip to see Jaysen soon. We have not laid eyes (or hands) on each other since November...frustrating, but if we can make it through this, we can make it through it all. Niece is officially a teen. She turned 13 on the 15th of March and it is only reminding me that my own bday is this coming Thursday ( I think-I tend not to really want to remember it!) Still looking for a job and getting really pissed off at the fact that I have not found anything. I should go, I was really hopping online to look for a job. Will try to post soon...pray for me?

It's nearly February

It's nearly February and I know that I posted one last week sometime, but it feels like its been forever.
My grandpa passed on Friday evening (20th) and my mom, sis and I drove the 12 hours to New York to say goodbye. The drive was beautiful and I quickly got over my nervousness of my mother seeing me drive. I am a safe driver most times, but tend to speed a little bit when I am not paying attention.
The time there was too short and I felt incredibly rushed the whole time. We arrived Monday night, the wake was Tuesday evening, the funeral was Wednesday morning and we left Thursday morning. I did not get a chance to really spend a whole lot of time up there with my family that I have not seen in a long time. I got to connect a little with my aunt Heather (who is also a blogger! Hi!) and get to know her a little bit more. That was really cool. I felt a deep connection to her and felt that she really got who I am (which is a huge thing because most days I don't even know who that is). I'm glad that we exchanged info and hope that we can continue to grow closer to eachother through here and email-unfortunately, we live about a thousand miles apart otherwise we would be visiting more often too. And no, I am not just saying she is cool because she is going to be reading this, but because she really is cool and I felt like I actually belonged to the family when she was around.
I've been trying to write a little something to remember my grandpa, but for some reason, I am silent and unable to write. I feel like a large part of me is missing these days now that that side of my family is dying off. They are the ones that I felt most close with growing up (despite distance) and now both grandparents are gone, my dad being gone it feels like I am dying as well. I'm not really in a funk, I just am losing my family and it stinks.
The job search continues...got a few interviews set up, but not trying to get hopes up too much as I did not get one that I really wanted. Oh well, it's been a long time since I've worked and it's beginning to drive me crazy.
I heard from Jaysen recently. I wanted to pick him up on the way to New York (only about 4 hours in the wrong direction) and let him meet the rest of the family, but I guess we will have to save introductions for the wedding and make a trip out there afterwards for those who cannot make the trip. Anywho, he's doing well and really likes his job...problem being is that it doesn't pay much. I'm not interested in the money, but we have a lot to save for. Who knows...maybe I will get a phone call saying that I am the next Publishers Clearinghouse winner of a bunch of money. Then, I could fly everyone out for the wedding, put them up in a hotel and really have a nice wedding. I don't want a glam one, just nice, where all my family and friends can come and have some laughs.
Um...I need to get more of my writing on here. I am often inspired by sitting here reading everyone else's blogs and wonder why I am not getting a whole lot of readers on mine. It would help if I posted more often, probably, but it might help me get some readers if I post what I am really writing about. I am still trying to get over the hiding who I am person that I was raised to be. I want to let people into my little world, I just don't have much clue of how to do it. Any ideas? I'd love to post pics and other things, but I don't have a scanner or access to that kind of stuff. I have access to the local library for a few minutes each day that I come, but most of that is spent job searching, and talking to Jaysen when he's not working.
I will try to update again soon!

I Hate this time of year

I really, really do.

My mom called this morning to tell me that my grandfather was dying and did I want to go up there to say goodbye. Of course I wanted to go...between him and my grandma (who passed 3 years ago next week) they helped me get through my junior high and high school years by providing me a refuge to run to.
We will be leaving for New York soon and not sure when we will be getting back. This is just a really bad time of year for my family. Everyone is dying in December and January!!! I'll post again soon, I think...

This makes 4...

I know I said wow, two in a month as my last title, but I guess Lisa has a little bit of a hard time reading and being able to count! Thought I'd make all who read my blog giggle at my silliness a little! Take care!

Twice in a month....wow!

Hi all,

I really wanted to try and do this more often, but life is preventing me. Let me give y'all a little update on the news...

Still unemployed at the moment and hating it. I hate not being able to buy gifts for people and I hate not being able to buy friggin toilet paper. I moved in with my sister, brother in law, and their 2 kids ages almost 13 and 4 girl and boy, respectively. I have almost no privacy or personal space and this is driving me crazy...

Speaking of driving, my sister is medically unable to drive right now and I have become chauffer (sp?) to her appointments and other places. Problem being is that I, myself should not be driving as the doctor thinks that I may have a heart condition that is causing my black-outs. I am trying to go see all the doctors that they want me to, but with no job (and no health insurance) it begins to get a little scary trying to pay for things.

I love my family to death, but I am going crazy because I am more than 4 hours away from my fiance and we are not able to talk a whole lot as he does not have a working phone right now and can't get to a computer a whole lot being that he is working a ton of hours. He is supposed to be able to move back my way around spring time but I need him here now. He moved the week of Thanksgiving. I thought I was never going to find that someone, and now that I have, I've turned into a sappy-lady (even more than before-which I thought to be impossible!)

Mom is still doing ok, health wise (new lump she found turned out to be nothing). This is a rough time of year for all of us as it was a year since my dad passed this week (12-27), my grandpa has been gone 3 years this month(12-13), and my grandmother 3 years next month(1-27). It has also been rough for me personally for a long time as I am not an enjoyer of holidays and stuck in a family that obsesses.

Why don't I enjoy the holidays? Well, part of it has to do with my medical conditions as I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, social-anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, severe depression, insomnia ( I think that is all that it says on my charts right now-sometimes it feels like I am talking forever when I go into my diagnosises. I like giving gifts to people, but I don't like all the other crap associated with Christmas. The other part of why I really don't care for holidays is just that crap keeps on happening to me around or on the days that I just want to skip them all together. For example, my mom told me and my sister about her breast cancer on my birthday this year. Hello! Yes, I want to know what is going on with her, but do you tell your very sensitive daughter on her birthday after just losing her father 3 months prior that you have cancer? I don't think so... but that's me.

I also have almost no backbone when it comes to standing up for myself and when I actually do, then people get all pissy and wonder why I am in such a bad mood. I have this friend who is very demanding of time and just in general and I go along with whatever most of the time, but every now and then, I get a little sick of the crap that she pulls and we get into it. In fact, I think I've posted about her before. Right now we are ok, but she was blaming me for something my sisters friend said to her when I was not even there, participating in the conversation. I had already gone to bed and I guess they got into it over the phone. I heard about it (Oh, did I hear about it!) I have the disease to please and find it hard to say no, but in this case, I was able to tell her straight out that I was not in the room, part of it like she says I was. I also had to have other people who were in the room confirm it because she still did not believe me. I told her to believe what she wants and that if I wasn't the kind of friend that she needed, then to move on. I guess that made her think because she calls me her best friend, but she is not mine...if I were to even try to "rate" my friends. Another blogger (whom I am blanking as far as a name, SORRY!!!) said it great when she said that women friends were just a pain in the butt. I know I am also paraphrazing, but she was so right on.

I think that is about all. One of these days I will get around to posting my poems (have over 600 total), but this might have to wait until things slow down a little and I have a few more minutes to sit in front of the computer and do it when I am also trying to find a job. If any of you are praying people, send one up for me? Things are rough and I am trying to do it without medication(because I can't afford it) and landing myself back in the mental hospital. Please know that if you have things you need prayer for, I'll be praying. No specifics needed, but feel free to share. Take care everyone! I'll try to write again soon.

Unlike the rest...

Still really new to this whole thing...how do you filter it so you don't have to weed through the ones that aren't in a language you don't understand? Please help? I will post again soon. Thanks in advance for your help.

December 1, 2005

I cannot believe that it is December already. Part of me can, but most of me does not want to believe it. Well, here is the update...

Mom found another lump in her breast but this time it is nothing to worry about. She just has to keep a close eye on anything in that region because of her history.

I am living at home again and it is driving me crazy already and it has only been a week. I was evicted and Jaysen moved back to get his old job back so not only is my fam driving me crazy, I have to do this without him around. I know some people can survive long distance relationships, but I don't know that I can last until February. Yes, I miss the physical closeness, but jsut being able to talk whenever and hold whenever is really hard not having.

Mental health could not be worse right now. I am really close to admitting myself again (in 9 days it will be a year since I was admitted last) and my physical health is concerning.

I need to go, just wanted to do a brief update. If any of you are praying people, please send up a few on my behalf? Thanks. Lisa Marie

What is this...Once a month?

Hi all. I really meant to sign in to this like once a week or around there but it has been over a month this time and over a month last time. Oh well. Nothing to get down on my self about, just thought it would be another way to get things out in the open and to help keep this borderline crazy individual some what sane...Yeah, right.

I also wanted to start publishing my stories and poems, but with me not having a home computer right now, I have to depend on the local library (which is not bad) but it is only 2 hours per day that you are allowed to use them. I am using up my time these days with looking at different websites for a job.

I am still unemployed and getting really scared that I am going to get evicted. My unemployment ran out about 2 weeks ago and rent is due in a few days. The bills are not getting paid and I hate that feeling. Luckily, we qualified for food stamps until we get back on our feet but that only helps with the food, not the rent and other bills. If I could guarantee that I'd win the lotto for Illinois, I'd make a trip down there and spend my last 3 dollars on tickets. That would really help with the financial situation now...it would turn into other problems though, like finding all these "new relatives" and such. I'd really like to go to my landlord and plunk down a years worth of rent until the house was built...they'd probably poop their pants seeing that much money coming in from one person.

I am not spending near enough time writing these days as I've been hit with writer's block for the book (actually it is just at a part where it is too painful to go on right now as I am naming some of my abusers and without having a therapist on hand, I can't finish that part of it until I am in a better place emotionally.)

The wedding is set for May 6, 2006. Some of the plans are starting to come together, but we need some help paying for things (mom has not answered this question yet). Neither one of us wants an extravagant wedding or reception, just nice. Problem being is the list of guests is somewhere around 250 or more.

Mom is almost done with radiation and she looks good. She finishes up this coming week.

Sis and bro are struggling financially as well. If we won the lotto, I'd help them out a bit. Plus for the kids too. 12 and almost 4.

It is getting a little easier to talk about my dad now. It has been 8 months today since he passed away and for a long time I seriously wondered if I was ever going to be ok. My fam does not talk a whole lot about emotions and I am just one big ball of them and always have been.

Well, I think that is about all I have time for this time. Feel free to comment and I'll try to post more than once a month.