April 27?? 2005

I know, I need to figure out some more creative ways to title these things, but to be truthful, I'm still so new at this that I was excited that 3 people responded to my last posting. Here it goes again.

Not much has improved in the life of me these days, I am still looking for work and it is really driving me crazy. I really have no desire to work, but necessity prevails. Unless there is someone out there who is rich and wants to make a financial contribution to the well-being of me...haha. I'm so broke these days that playing the lotto is a major investment. Grr. I'd really love to just work at something that I enjoy rather than something that I've been trained in. Why is that such a big difference?? Because I was stupid and did not go to college and now I am paying for it! Oh well.

The doctor has to go in again and remove more tumor from mom's breast. Then it is radiation therapy and who knows what. This really creeps me out because Cancer is a scary word. Am I being too immature about this? Am I just too damn sensitive to have these thoughts runnign through my head? Why not, I was always told to stop crying when I was growing up. Well, that's just me-I cry. I laugh, I scream, I cry. I am an emotional creature...deal with it or screw off. That's my thought these days, I know not the nicest, but I've been screwed by so many people because I am too nice, well, I am not going to stop being nice, but I am not going to let people walk all over me like they've done in the past. I can't take that shit anymore.

Does anyone really know the ins and outs of mental illness other than the affected? I applied for a job working as a supervisor in a residential facility for mentally ill patients and they told me that it would not be a good fit because I have my own issues of mental illness. Crap! Who knows better on how to deal with this stuff other than someone who has been in and out of hospitals and shrinks offices for the last 15+ years??? People just amaze and amuse me. They also piss me off. Signing off (not cuz I want to, but cuz I have to.) Lisa Marie

April 10, 2005

Well, life here is pretty confusing. My dad has only been gone 3 and a half months and my mom is newly diagnosed with breast cancer. It seems like a lot to handle right now. I mean, come on, what 28 year old up until 2 years ago had both sets of grandparents, a great-grandmother and both parents still alive and married?? Parts of me wished that my grandparents all passed away before I got a chance to know them and hear their stories. My grandmother (paternal), and my grandfather (maternal) passed away within 6 weeks and then less than a year later, my dad's gone too. I try to not seem like I am always complaining about things going wrong in my life, but these days, I am not sure that there's a whole lot of good in this world. I don't want this to be another place where I am just complaining, but I wanted to start to get my feelings out-whatever they may be at that moment and enable others to see inside of this very private soul.