Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out, "ENOUGH!" Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you sudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you're not Prince Charming or Cinderella. That in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are and that's ok. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say that and not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment are born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed and how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children and what you owe your parents, family and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and vales you've outgrown, or should have never bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is in giving that we truly receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundaton upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learn to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love; how to love, how much to give in ove, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly ok and that is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want and sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So take more time to laugh and play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's ok to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens, you can handle it and that to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God is not punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in it's most primal state...the ego.

You learn that negative feelings, such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you're wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and learn to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refridgereator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself. You make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to trust, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side to take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

***DISCLAIMER***
All these things may be wonderful to think about, but so hard to live by.

This is the life...NOT

Well, I've spent the last hour or so perusing other blogs and feel completely inadequate to keep going. I want to post pics but don't know how and doubt the library has the capabilities, I'd been told before that my writings were good, but seeing all'yalls it made me question the talent. Hmmm. I don't know that this was the best thing to get involved in if I am already struggling with self-confidence issues. I tried taking the therapists advice and just go sit in public somewhere and paint or draw or write just to get used to being out in public without having a major panic attack. It worked for a little while until a friend came up to me and scared the piss out of me. I was so engrossed in this paint by numbers thing that I did not even see her come up to me. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Hey babe" I nearly tinkled in my pants and screamed in horror. I guess that most people know not to scare me like that, but not her...she knows now.
You heard it. I'm in therapy...For the most part I seriously doubt its working to help me get better-whenever I leave I have serious flashbacks of the abuse and have a hard time working through them without crying and running back in there to say, "MAKE THEM STOP!!"
Why are there so many more mental cases out there than there used to be? I hope no one takes offense to that comment, I certainly don't. I've been in the mental health community for more than 15 of my 28 years of life. Imagine if I had saved all that money for something that actually worked. I'd be a little bit richer, or at least in a better financial position than I am right now.
As I sit here writing, there's a man on a cell phone practically yelling that things are going to be screwed up if they don't get this one Father for his wedding in 6 weeks. On another computer is a couple...the man is rather good looking and the chic is not something to really get a second look at. Where is my good looking man...if this chic can get one, where's mine?? I think that my mom and the rest of my family would freak if they found out that there's a huge difference in what they think is good looking to what I think is good looking. It is a nice way of saying that they are complete racists and I am totally not. In fact, if they were to look at all the men that I've been with, they would have a problem with all but one of them. There was only one white guy in the mix and he was the most abusive of them all. They would rather me marry someone that is white and abusive than someone of a different race and make me the most happiest woman.
About 2 years ago, I was driving to Florida from Illinois with my gram and she actually asked me if I was a lesbian because she had not met any of my boyfriends. I was so shocked that it took me a minute to even blink. I totally do not have an issue with lesbian or gay relationships, but I am not one! I just don't think that my family needs to be involved with every boy I am with. Oh well. That's my life...ain't it da' bomb?? Kidding. C'ya.